My 8 Month "Surgiversary" Pictures & Erwin's Birthday (3/28)

8 Months Post-Op & Down 132 lbs. Things are slowing way down, which means I really need to start exercising more. I'm grateful that Spring is on its way, and I can get outside again and go walking with Cody...

We went to Erwin's favorite local Salvadoran restaurant for his 38th birthday. You can tell he really enjoys his pupusas and tamales! (They really are delicious, but I enjoy just a couple of bites, and that's enough.)

My Brother Dan's Article in the Mar/Apr 2009 OH Magazine

ANYTHING Is Possible

When we consider all the roads we walk through in life, how do we determine which roads are the most important to travel down? Also, are we always able to choose the roads we traverse? There are roads that lead to successful careers, families, and health, and there are roads that lead to trials, pain, and failure. At any given time we can make choices to experience any and all of these; at other times, events or situations occur that force us down paths that we may or may not want to encounter. How we survive or conquer these triumphs and failures can be summed up in a single word… character! I will relate a short story that sums up this truth.

There once was a wise Indian chief who had a young, inquisitive daughter. The young daughtersat down with her father and recounted a repetitive dream she had been having. In the dream, there were always two wild wolves that fought. In the young girl’s dream, the fighting was so bitter that she never stayed asleep long enough to see who won. She also stated that one wolf was good and the other was bad. This is how the wise chief interpreted her dream: “Within each of us there lives two wolves. One represents peace, joy, happiness, and love; the other represents doubt, fear, hate, misery and selfishness. Each day these wolves fight within us.” Then the young girl asked a simple, yet poignant question. She asked, “Which wolf will win the fight?” The wise chief’s answer was short and simple. The reply was, “Whichever wolf you feed the most.” I preface my thoughts with this story because the road I decided to take that led away from obesity to a healthier, more fulfilling life, was more about the “wolves” that I fed within me, rather than the foodthat I put in my mouth.

When I was in high school, I remember a sign that was displayed in one of my teacher’s classrooms. It read, “Character is what you do when nobody is watching.” As I think about this truism, I digress back to my “character” as a morbidly obese man weighing 400 pounds less than a year ago. As an obese man, here is what I would do when no one was looking:

I would order two meals at a drive-thru and order an extra drink that I didn’t need, just to make it appear that the second meal was for someone else. I would completely shirk all chores and caring for our kids because I had no energy to move. I would be consumed with thoughts that I was a failure and was worthless. In retrospect, the only thing I did when nobody was watching was eat and feel terrible on the inside. Every week I would try to convince myself that Monday was right around the corner and I would start my diet then. Well, between the time I was 17 years old, standing 6’2” tall and weighing 215 pounds, to the day less than a year ago when I weighed 400 pounds at 33 years old, 832 Mondays came and went, and less than 32 of those Mondays were days where I was actually dieting. I believe I ate for comfort, I ate because I absolutely loved food, but most of all, I would eat because that’s what I did best. My daily caloric intake was somewhere between 5000 - 6000 calories with little to no daily exercise or physicalactivity and my 56 inch waist and size 5XL were proof enough.

I honestly believe the mental and emotional anguish that accompanies obesity is far more difficult to deal with than the co-morbidities and physical downsides to being obese. Anyone can take a blood pressure pill, diabetes pill, or cholesterol medication in the privacy of their own home. Also, those who suffer from sleep apnea can wear a CPAP machine without anyone ever knowing about it. But, there is no hiding obesity and this fact continually lowered my self-esteem. A few years back, I went into a colleague’s office to seek his advice on a matter. I was invited to sit down and instantly snapped his chair in two, then fell to the floor. I work with the youth at church and accompanied 40 kids, along with other adult leaders, to an amusement park as an outing, where I was kicked off every ride because I did not fit. I remember going to a clothing store to buy a suit, and when they told me they no longer carried a size that would fit me, and that a size 22 dress shirt no longer fit, I hit an emotional low. Having to deal with the fact that I had to buy a bigger, more expensive car than I wanted and could afford because I did not fit into “regular” size cars weighed heavily on me. Beyond all of these things, the day my wife told me she felt like a single mom because I had no energy and ambition to help out with the kids, is the day I really had to question what road I was taking in my life. If I wanted to eat myself into a grave, that’s fine, but when I have a wife and two wonderful kids depending on me, I needed to choose a better road. As much as I loved food, the reality was that I loved my family so much more, and I needed to prove it.

Realizing that I had failed at every diet attempt I ever undertook, I needed a more permanent solution than just a “fad.” My older brother, Jeff, enjoyed great success with gastric bypass surgery a couple of years ago - an option I really hadn’t considered until I was hit between my eyes with reality. I did some research on the surgery and different surgeons in my area, and out of curiosity, attended a Bariatric Surgery Symposium, conducted by Dr. David Kim. His approach to weight loss surgery was so positive and reassuring; I immediately made the decision that he was the doctor I would entrust my life with. His pre-op and post-op protocol far surpasses what I have heard is the “norm” in the world of bariatric surgery, and I really appreciated the fact that he did not pressure me or persuade me into having one particular surgery over another. I made the decision to have laparoscopic gastric bypass surgery after also considering vertical sleeve gastrectomy, lapband, and duodenal switch, and on January 14, 2008, had my surgery completed.

I consider January 14th the day I was given a second shot at living life again. This has been the best decision I have ever made for my health, and I would do it over in a heartbeat, if the hands of time were turned back. Speaking of time, we will never be able to regain or relive the things we have missed out on, but we can make the decision, right now, to live life and do all those things that perhaps some people, including ourselves, never thought we would be able to do.

Now, over 1 year post-op, I have lost 195 pounds. A lot of people lose a tremendous amount of weight in a very short period of time with gastric bypass, but I guess just losing weight was not enough for me. At eight months post-op, I competed in my first Sprint Triathlon, which consisted of a 300 meter swim, 16 mile bike ride, and 3.1 mile run. A month later, I competed in another triathlon and improved my time by more than 20 minutes. I ran a 5K and 10K on Thanksgiving morning, and on my exact 11 month surgery anniversary, completed a 26.2 mile Marathon in well under 5 hours. I work out six days a week and swim 8-10 miles, cycle 125-150 miles, and run 40-50 miles each week. I am currently registered for another 26.2 mile marathon, 4 x 70.3 mile Half Iron man Triathlons, and a full 140.6 mile Iron man in August 2009. An Iron man consists of a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile ride, followed by a 26.2 mile run… Finish in under 17 hours, and you earn the right to be called an Iron man. A full day of pain and struggle, leads to a lifetime of pride and sense of accomplishment. With all of my training and hours spent away from my family in the early hours of the mornings and weekends, many people, including my wife, have asked me why I do all of this. To her, my friends, and to you, I give you the answer. BECAUSE I CAN! I would never have had gastric bypass surgery unless I believed I could successfully lose weight. I would never register for a marathon or triathlon unless I believed I could finish. I will never doubt myself again! The most liberating thing that I have experienced as a result of weight loss surgery is a sense of empowerment and a firm belief that I, and anyone, CAN accomplish anything we set our minds to, so long as we put in the effort and make the conscious decision to change our lifestyles forever!

A wise man once told me that whether I believe I could or could not do something, I was right. My message to you, my friends, my family, and all those considering weight loss surgery, is to truly believe that anything is possible. I am living proof that someone can go from 400 pounds to what is considered an elite athlete in less than a year. Always remember, character IS what you do when no one is watching. In life there are three types of people… There are people who make things happen, there are those who watch things happen, and finally, there are those who say, “what happened?” May this be the day we all make things happen and take the necessary steps to feed the “Good Wolves“ inside of us that will eventually lead to our own success, happiness, fulfillment, peace, and a renewed sense of incredible selfworth.

-Dan Benintendi
www.trimywill.com

Very Proud Sister... (written on 03/26/09)

I've mentioned my brothers in previous posts, but I couldn't be more proud of their success and determination to walk away from obesity - it has actually become a family affair now, and I'm so glad to be a part of that as well...

If any of you receive OH magazine, please take a moment to read the article on page 45 - It features a story on my brother, Dan Benintendi. He has had such tremendous success since his RNY, and has truly been an inspiration to me and so many others. He has not only lost 200 lbs. in 14 months, but is now competing in triathlons, marathons, and will soon complete a full Iron Man this summer - it's truly remarkable... For more information, his website is http://www.trimywill.com/.

I will post another update on myself, since it is long overdue, but I wanted to give credit where credit is due. I'm so proud, and I love you, Dan. You continue to inspire me every day!!!

March 17, 2009 - St. Patrick's Day Triathlon

(14 Months Since Surgery - Down 200 lbs.)

January 13, 2008 - The Day Before Dan's Gastric Bypass Surgery

March 11, 2009 Support Group Meeting

"Disaster Diversion Cards"

Tonight we took 3 x 5 index cards and collaborated as a group to come up with ideas that will distract when the urge to eat is strong (for reasons other than hunger). The idea is that when you know it's not time for a meal and you find yourself wanting to eat, pull out one of these cards and do whatever the activity is to divert your attention from the kitchen.

February 11, 2009 Support Group Meeting (Notes)

Speaker: Leslee Miller, LCSW

• Food addiction is not something that is overcome – it is “managed”
• Learn to be “conscious” when eating
• Realize that we all have a “Dark Side”, which has the potential to sabotage
• Get a journal specific to this weight loss journey
  o Record successes
  o Record lessons learned
  o Record things that I do to sabotage my own success
• Become Friends with your “Dark Side”
  o Write down all the things you think to yourself
  o Stay open to learning about yourself ALWAYS
  o Don’t ever let yourself get very far away from accountability
  - Support group meetings
  - Weighing regularly (days when you don’t want to do this are
  the days you probably should the most)
  - Food journaling
  o No black and white thinking
  o No self-loathing
  o Relapse is to be expected
  o Be BRUTALLY honest with yourself
  o Why NOT me?
  o Changing our thinking patterns
  o Watch for transfer addictions
  o Group support
  o Stay out of denial
• “It’s OK to fall off the wagon – Just don’t fall under it!”
• Be willing to commit to doing whatever it takes to make a change
• Pay the price to be healthy and fit
• Everyone will relapse on occasion – we’re only human. Just get back on track ASAP.
• Try Yoga classes – good for the mind/body connection

Happy 36th Birthday to Me... (written on 02/08/09)

Today was such a nice day. I taught the children in Primary (the 5 year olds), and then spent a wonderful afternoon/evening with my extended family having dinner and just being together. There is nothing more important to me than my family, and I wouldn’t have wanted to spend the day any other way.

I took a few moments to just sit and reflect upon the things that have been on my mind, and the changes this coming year will bring...

• I’ve noticed that the further out I get since surgery, the more my appetite and capacity to eat have increased. They will never again be the same as they were before surgery, but now is the time for me to really start paying close attention to the difference between “needs” and “wants” and listening to my body, since I have more choices available to me than I did previously.
• Good health and really feeling “well” are worth any price. Sometimes you don’t really understand this until it’s taken away from you. Don’t ever freely give up this incredible gift.
• People are looking to me as an example – I must not let them, or especially myself, down. I have been given a second chance to really live life, and I don’t want to waste any part of it.
• My goal is DEFINITELY within reach. I will work hard this year to achieve what I know I’m capable of.
• My future family depends upon my success. Erwin and I have had to delay having children for over 13 years because of my many health issues over the years. Soon, I will be given the OK to change this family dynamic, and I am anxiously awaiting the opportunity.

Life is full of exciting adventures, and I don’t ever want to waste a single day or opportunity to make the most of them…

6 Months Out and 119 lbs. Gone Forever... (written on 01/15/09)

It's completely mind-boggling to me how the past 6 months have flown by since having my RNY, and how many positive changes I've seen with my health. What an amazing gift to have my life back, to feel like a normal person again, to be happy with the way I look and feel, and to have a new-found confidence... I am so grateful to be in this place right now, and to know that my goal is within reach - I'm 2/3 there already!

Looking back at my original list of goals, here's an update on my progress:

• Crossing my legs (Yes!)
• Shopping in a "normal" size clothing store (Almost there...)
• No swollen feet and ankles (Long gone...)
• Having a neck again! (Yes!)
• Fitting in an airplane seat and not having to ask for an extender belt (Yes!)
• Not having to worry whether or not I will fit in a booth at a restaurant (or break a chair!) (Yes!)
• Being able to fit on rides at amusement parks (Haven't been yet, but based on the airplane thing, Yes!)
• Swimming in public (Not quite yet...)
• Riding a bike (Haven't tried yet...)
• Not being out of breath all the time (Yes!)
• Ditching my CPAP machine (Yes!)

Last night I attended a support group meeting at St. Mark's Hospital where Dr. McKinlay was the speaker. We discussed reasons why we eat when we aren't hungry, which was a great subject... There were so many things that applied to me before surgery, and even fewer now, so I'm grateful for that. We also discussed how to make better choices when we do eat things that we probably shouldn't. All of the cravings that an overweight person has don't completely go away forever with surgery, so learning how to bridge the gap between making the best and worst choices was a great topic for discussion.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and one of the greatest things I've come to realize about myself is this: From a psychological standpoint, I had always been of the mindset that food and dieting for me were always "All or Nothing" - there was no gray area in between. I would either be 100% on my game, or 100% off the wagon. Either I was really focused and feeling good, or if I slipped up a bit, I had completely failed and might as well give in completely. It was almost as though I would punish myself for failing, under the guise of eating whatever I wanted, which made me happy for a moment, but ultimately left me feeling like a miserable failure... What I have finally learned is that I'm human - I do still want some of the things I shouldn't, even though my ability to eat them (thankfully) is much less than before. In those moments when I feel the urge to eat something "off my normal plan of action" in a typical day, I find myself now making better choices overall. I have come to realize that there is some middle ground between the "all or nothing" approach, and that I'm not a miserable failure if I slip up a little. The real battle in this game of weight loss is truly a mental one, and the real test is learning to retrain a lifetime of skewed thinking about food. I'm so grateful for the many lessons I'm finally learning!

Here's to another AMAZING 6 months of weight loss, self discovery, and good health...

Did I Mention That I'm Seriously Going Bald? (written on 01/06/09)

I knew the reality of significant hair loss following my RNY surgery in July was a definite possibility, but I truly didn't expect that it would be as dramatic as it has been. I started losing significant amounts of hair just before my 3 month mark following surgery. I am now almost 6 months out, and can safely say that I've lost more than half of my hair.

Every time we've vacuumed my house over the past month, my poor husband has had to completely take the vacuum apart to remove the clumps of hair that have wrapped around the rollers and burned the plastic. Each time I have washed or brushed my hair, there ended up being a huge pile of hair in the trash can. I kept thinking, how much more can I really lose without going bald???

After feeling depressed and throwing my own "pity party" while in California, I decided to chop about 5 inches off the length, in hopes that it would make things look a little healthier, and allow me to hide some of the gaping scalp that I've been seeing more and more of in the past several weeks. Realizing that it just didn't look that great still, I decided to go a bit more drastic in less than a week since my last haircut. My cousin, Heather, worked some serious magic last night, and I am feeling so much better now. I still have a very thin head of hair at the moment, but I think we've done a pretty good job of disguising it now. Here's hoping that the new stuff starts growing soon! I really don't want to have to buy a wig...

A Belated Holiday Update... (written on 01/06/09)

We definitely had a White Christmas here in Utah this year. There was somewhere in the neighborhood of 2+ feet of snow that fell on Christmas day, and my poor husband spent many hours outside with his new snow thrower. Dinner was at my house, and we had 17 people over. Parking was interesting with the piles of snow throughout the neighborhood, but Erwin did a great job of clearing a path for our guests. Despite the over-abundant downpouring, we had a wonderful visit with family and friends, and the prime rib was delicious! I must admit that I completely over-compensated for my inability to eat sugar with twice as much baking as I usually do any other year, but I made all the things my Grandma used to make at Christmas time. She's been gone nearly 3 years now, so this was my way of feeling closer to her, and reliving some of my fond memories of her. Nobody really needs those plates full of sugary goodies, but when money is tight, that is something I can do for all the people I can't afford to buy other gifts for. I suppose I'll need to come up with a healthier alternative for the coming years, but I enjoyed baking, nonetheless...

One small confession: I did sample a small bit of my goodies. Since I used to be a sugar-addict, I was hoping I would have a violent case of "dumping", so that it wouldn't be a temptation again, after the Holidays. Unfortunately, that was not the case, but I did NOT like the way my body felt afterward. I re-confirmed that it feels so much better to eat healthier, and I'm done with the sugar... I was so worried that I had gained weight over the Holidays, but somehow managed to lose another 4 pounds over the past 2 weeks, for a total of 14 pounds lost between Thanksgiving and New Year's. That's a little slower than my usual pace, but I'll take it!

(Me & Dan - January 1, 2009) The day after Christmas, I flew to California to visit with my Mom and my brother, Dan, and his family, who were visiting from Texas. I hadn't seen them in about a year, so it was wonderful to catch up with everyone. Dan has had such an amazing result since his RNY 11 months ago - he's down 195 pounds and is truly a miraculous story. He has turned his food addiction into an exercise addiction, and has already completed 2 triathlons and a full marathon in the past few months, and is scheduled for several more in the coming year, along with a full Ironman this Summer. My brother Jeff will be competing with him as well, which is also an amazing thing. Coming from a family where many of us were severely overweight or obese, I'm so proud of the accomplishments we have all made toward improving our health. I fully intend to make the most of the coming year, and commit to losing the remaining 75 - 85 pounds that will bring me to a "normal" size for the first time since high school. I can't wait to accomplish this goal!!!

My Brother, Jeff - Now a Triathlete...

July '06 Before Gastric Bypass Surgery

Appointment with Dr. McKinlay Today... (written on 12/09/08)

Today I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon. He seemed very pleased with my progress at almost 5 months post-op. He told me that most people lose half of what they are ultimately going to lose by about 3-4 months out. I believe I can do better though - I will do whatever it takes to lose ALL of my extra weight and be the healthy person I was meant to be.

It's kind of funny... I've had A LOT of people at work taking notice of my drastic change in size lately. I'm getting all kinds of comments, compliments and questions. I'm not really used to some of compliments I’ve gotten, so I'm not quite sure how to process it all, but I'm flattered, nonetheless.