I've been doing a lot of soul searching for the past several days, trying to piece together a lifetime of thoughts that have all contributed to the position I find myself in today. Needless to say, my emotions have been very close to the surface, and I've shed more than a few tears. There is no mistaking that this is going to be a very emotional journey, and I'm preparing myself for a bumpy ride...
If I think back to my first recollections of having issues with food, I would have to say it began somewhere around 8 years old. I'm still not entirely sure what brought it on (it could be any number of things), but I do recall feeling guilty for sneaking food that I shouldn't have, and being a major closet eater (it was always sweets). I was always taller than the other girls my age, which of course meant that I was also bigger than they were, in proportion to my height. I don't think I ever considered myself, in my mind, to be "normal" like everyone else because of this. I was always shy, and probably didn't know how to express myself well, but food was always my friend, no matter what. I don't think it was until the past several years as an adult that I've come to realize I wasn't abnormal - I just couldn't see that when I was younger.
My first diet that I can recall was at 10 years old - I was just under 5 feet tall, and weighed 112 pounds. My next diet was at 12 years old - I was exactly 5 feet tall in 6th grade, weighed 135 pounds, and wore a size 13 jeans. My next diet was at 14 years old. I was 5'4" and got up to 175 pounds and a size 16. Over the summer before my freshman year, I lost 30 pounds and grew 4 inches. I tried out for the drill team in high school and made it that next year, and felt really great about myself for a change - like I belonged. For the majority of the rest of my years in high school, I was somewhere between 160-170 pounds. Being 5'8", I still felt larger than all my friends, so it was hard for me to feel "cute" or "petite" like the rest of them.
After high school, my first year as a freshman in college was met with a knee injury 5 weeks into my first semester. It took 2 months for the doctors to figure out what the extent of the damage really was until they did exploratory surgery, so during this time, I lost all the strength and muscle I had built up in my legs from previous years. By the next year, I was up to 190 pounds, and crossed the 200 pound threshold, all the way up to 260 pounds the following year. When I met Erwin (my husband), I was at my largest to date, but it didn’t seem to bother him at all – I was amazed!
I decided to go on a medically supervised diet before we got married, and lost about 40 pounds. After that, I just remember the scale climbing, and was devastated when I hit 300 within the next year and a half - I guess I just got way too comfortable and complacent. At 25, just over 2 years after we were married, I started having major back problems. They continued to get worse over the next 3 years, and I finally had to have back surgery in May 2001. This became a major source of depression in my life, living with constant pain for so long. About 5 months after this surgery, I decided I was going to reclaim my health and lose weight again, after basically sitting on my rear end for 3 years (since that was about all I could do). I went on the same medically supervised diet on and off for the next 2 years, and lost a total of 120 pounds. Wow - did I feel great, but I started having major anxiety and panic attacks. It took me a long time to figure out that that's what I was experiencing. I thought I had everything from MS to other neurological disorders. Had I known how powerful the mind-body connection really was, I would have gone to see a psychologist to work through the many emotions and physical changes I had just gone through. Instead, I turned back to my good friend - food - for comfort. I remember feeling like I was having an identity crisis - I knew I looked good, but I didn't recognize myself. Within a year and a half, I was right back to where I had started, and continued to climb from there. I had gone from a size 26/28 down to a 14, then right back up again, but now to a 30/32, and somewhere between a 4X-5X. Can you imagine the wardrobe I have laying around? I have never parted with any of my smaller clothes from this recent journey, because I know I will have a reason to use them again very soon (plus, I won't have to buy anything new as I lose this time!)
I know how important it is to be emotionally ready to lose weight, and I have finally come to that point in my life again, but now it is nearly 5 years later, and the damage has been done. I am now 353 pounds, and can't believe I'm actually making it public knowledge. I guess it's probably not a big surprise though, looking at my pictures for what they really are. The nice thing is that I do know my goal is within reach, and I know what I will look like in the very near future - I have some awesome pictures and "skinny jeans" to use as motivation, because I've done it before. The great thing this time, though, is that I know I can actually look forward to maintaining my success.
One of the things I've discovered about myself as I've contemplated my thoughts and emotions lately, is that I know I'm capable of achieving anything I set my mind to. I've been blessed with many incredible talents, an awesome family, and a few really amazing friends, who I know I can count on to be there for me through this journey I'm about to take. I have come to realize through this process that I have great potential, and there is purpose and meaning for my life. I
DO deserve to be healthy, happy and successful!
What an amazing journey I have waiting for me - I'm ready for it to begin!!!
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